Going all out

Quiet Christmas this year. Somehow, having gone through a rough four months in the terrible-est posting in my life (actually have only been through two), all I can think of this Christmas is to survive the next 2 days and I am finally done. Done with so much anger and frustration and guilt and so many things that I can't bring myself to say that I have done, or not done. As much as I tried to cheer myself up with a new snow flakes falling screen saver and jingle ringtones, nothing quite has gotten me out of this state of gloom and doom. Two more days. I really thought something might happen, someone I might meet who might change my mind about the past four months. Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps I have misjudged. I waited, and waited.Nothing. The same old.

Someone that I encountered this season though, I have been deeply touched by. Mr P, a homeless man who was admitted and diagnosed to have cancer. Because of his medical problems and the fact that we were apprehensive about discharging him back to the community without a home, he had a prolonged stay in the hospital. One day, while I had a bit of extra time on my hands, I went to have a chat with him.

Uncle, why do you stay on the streets?
What to do, I sold my old house already so no more house lor! 
Then why did you sell your house?
To give my brother money lor, he needed the money...
Wah! You're such a good brother, you sold your house JUST for your brother? Why did he need the money for?
To take drugs...aiyah he always in a out of prison, now again in prison...
Wah Mr P, you know he take drugs then you still sell your house for him?!
What to do...he's my brother...I need to take care of him regardless.

For a moment there I felt goosebumps all over my body.

Christmas, when Christ went all out for us. Remembering that we too ought to go all out, no less.

R.I.P

RIP Mr Govi.

I had you at Hello

Seven months, sixteen Medical calls and thirteen Surgical calls later, it suddenly occurred to me that the way Housemen said HELLO at 2AM in the morning was far different from their usual hello.

The usual hello is a polite howcanihelpyou one.

The 2AM HELLO is a curt fastersaywhatyouneedtointhenexttwosecondsbeforeigetfrustratedandblowupatyou. 

Perhaps it is not even an issue of time, but hearing your phone right for the 328324th time and seeing the caller ID flashing a hospital landline.

I only realized this when I started to hand over patients later and later into each call, and would call my colleague from a hospital landline. The phone calls starts with the abrupt HELLO followed by an embarrassed  Oh what is the matter? after I introduce myself as a fellow HO. I then started to realize that I too was doing the same thing, and subsequently started judging people by the way they said hello when I called them from a hospital landline.

And so the phenomenon of how night calls and being overworked really bring out the worse in a person. The lovely House Officer in the day morphs into a Night monster that nurses fear calling...so much so that they wait till the situation becomes truly urgent before calling the doctor.

Resolving to pick up every phone call with patience with God's grace.

Fits of Rage

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galations 5:19-21

I really do not like the person that I have become. From hating the posting, to hating the people, to hating myself. God help me. 

Left Right Centre

Scolded in the day at work.

Scolded at night at work.

Scolded in the car.

Scolded in church.

Scolded outside.

Scolded at home.

Tonight is one of those nights I think the world might be better off if I went to bed and neverwoke up.

New lows

I have absolutely no expectations anymore. Just need to get by, and do what is right.

Just need to get by.

Reprieve

So this weekend, I'm going to choose floor tiles, toilet fixtures, take an exam and use up free movie tickets and a voucher at a sushi restaurant.

I AM SO GLAD TO BE ON LEAVE.

Pre-leave drinks at RedDot

Injustice

I seriously want to die. When will this nightmare end...

Drudgery

I've begun to notice that daily as I walk home alone that small stretch of road between the bus stop outside my house back to my door step, my face is always scrunched up in a frown. It is that same feeling I feel daily, regardless of ending work early, late, pre-call or post-call. This sense of disappointment and lack of fulfillment is now a daily occurrence. This sense of being uninspired and unmotivated to excel has become part and parcel of drudge that I bring to work daily. The tragedy! When will it end?

At the same time, thankful for blessings in the form of seniors who provide regular hydration on call, and the semblance of some sort of teaching round this morning. It made the call all that more worthwhile. Impressed by J who walked the less trodden path to get to where he is now. Please don't mind the disjointed thoughts post call, there is only so much my brain can handle.

Been itching for a good cuppa these days. Facing first world problems of dying to splurge on a a good sandwich but not being able to find the time to do so. Realized that the very Singaporean habit of taking photos of food and coffee and friends makes for good pre-bedtime self consolation material before the next 6:30am morning.

Wedmin

Wedmin, the stuff of wedding admin, or so my good friend C puts it. Been busy hurrying about doing a multitude of things. Dresses, bands, people, cards, renovation, lights and the works. Weekends burnt finding the best bargains, looking for that perfect fit and scrimping on that last cent to get our monies worth. Thankful for a very on the ball fiance who spends copious amounts of time researching on the technology and cost effectiveness behind beds and lights and everything you can possibly research on while I sit back and relax and give unhelpful comments about how ugly a ceiling fan will look in the living room. Even as I type this, I am receiving emails about bedding and the pros and cons of having a pillow top. This is on top of about 50 odd emails about lighting, layouts and ceiling fans. Hurmph.Well, God gives us different gifts I guess! And I'm certainly not complaining :)

In this season of my life, I've been thinking about how work becomes ministry and how I am struggling to find a balance between church ministry and not being able to be around on Sundays. There are so many things going on that I find myself wanting to protect whatever little time I have outside work for myself. How easy it is to forget what it means to die to self and gain life in Christ. I can always do better.

Work...could be better. I think being busy outside work keeps me distracted from the dissatisfaction that I encounter. I remember the days of great frustration of not being able to be good enough, going home feeling dejected but yet inspired to do better the next day. I miss those days. On the bright side, we are now down to 2 digit days -weak smile.

Musings on a night call

I wonder at which point in life people start becoming mean. How does someone one day decide to live for himself at the expense of another fellow human being? Does he suddenly wake up and realize that everyone is doing that and therefore he should do it too?

If I were a patient I think I would really hate the way I was being treated. I never ever know what is going on. People are ordering tests on me without telling me what for, I never know what doctors are thinking when they talk to me in very vague non-committal terms, I never get to see a good summary of my medical condition, I never understand the true situation when I have to wait 1 day doing nothing to go for a scan, I never see my doctors for more than 10 minutes a day. I think the strangest thing is random people popping up throughout the day to ask me weird questions (have you farted today?) and how I am without introducing themselves.

Random thoughts post surgical call. Sigh.