Horfun happiness

5 minutes before SJ calls me to set the table for lunch.

Cannot believe we are nearing the end of March. The next cliche would be where has all that time gone?! I know where it went. It went into learning how to set chest tubes, intraarterial lines, lunch time tutorials, 7pm short cases, Pastest, learning how to say-the-right-thing-at-the-right-time and telling someone he had HIV. It's crazy. I half can't wait for July to come and half am dreading it to the core.

I did something about what I wrote about in my last entry. CG 19 popping over to my house this week :) Bimbotic yay! Recent times have made me look back in reminiscence at this bunch of people without whom I really don't think I could have made it through MBBS. Happy times :)

Learning to live more in parallel lines and less in a continuum.

Actually...

I'm not so scared anymore. The joy of the Lord is my strength!

The Empty Room

This MBBS makes me wonder what or who the Candidate is fighting against. The People say we will all pass, somehow or another. These are the same People who set the exam papers, take us for the clinical exam, and give us the final grade. These are the same People who take us on tutorials in preparation for the final exam (save for a few who perhaps deem themselves too esteemed to teach). Everyone hopes for us to pass. The ministry needs us to pass. Our tutors and examiners want us to pass. So I wonder, what is it that we are proving ourselves to against in this One hurdle that we need to cross? It is the System of meritocracy that demands for some grand show of ability in exchange qualification? Or are we battling our future patients whom we will be treating, for they have every right to know that we are capable of being safe doctors? Maybe the struggle is an internal one, to be convinced and convicted of being a competent and safe doctor. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like there is great anxiety in finding out what lies behind that secret door. And when the time comes, we open the door to find nothing there.

This MBBS has also shown me how prideful I am. Too prideful to say I am shit scared, to admit that there are 53294912312 things that I don't know on the eve of the exam. To think that I'd rather keep quiet and pretend to know it all when all I have is an empty shell, full of fluff.

Today's Word that kept coming up was Meekness. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the kingdom of God. Meekness. Recent days have made me realize that daggers are all around, flying off from lips and dripping with sarcasm. Frightening. Maybe that's what it takes to survive. Just maybe. Jesus was meek, but that didn't mean He was a pushover. He was strong but gentle, confident yet humble. Meekness and Majesty, a wonder to behold.

For all who are scared shit and feeling inadequate, take heart, if it is of any comfort, I am too.

How are you?

What precious three words, so easily forgotten.

5 years on

It was 7 May 2007. Today it is 2 March 2012. Only by grace.

Emochine

Sitting in the seminar room at MD6 at 9am in the morning makes one pensive. Early morning thunderstorm...I guess I'm just waiting for the rainbow.

If I could invent something, I would invent a machine that could capture and replay an emotion. The same feeling that I feel now 8 days before the final MB, I'm sure I felt before the O levels, the A levels, my violin exams. The build up, the intense fear and resignation, the struggling, and the final relief at the end. We look back and remember God's providence and grace. But humans forget, as we always do. Cycle after cycle, we never learn.

The final MB is a default pass. Metaphorically, we all go in with full marks, and with each lousy step get a few points off. Statistically, everyone passes, at least after the 2nd try and with maybe lots of money and emotion spent. But no one wants to be that statistic, and we all know that the final result is a combination of largely Patient factors and Examiner factors, with a small contribution from the Student effort. As I was contemplating life after MBBS, I imagined myself receiving a result slip that says FAIL or something tragic like that. Reaction? Sad, but ok lor. Life goes on. Super expensive.

In the midst of intense mugging, I also wonder what it means for me to be cramming all these things last minute into my brain. This is no ordinary examination. We are going to become doctors. How does remembering something only for an exam reflect on the way I am learning to practice medicine? Not sure.

Anyway, enough emo shitz. SJ is going mad over making brad. Super awesome loaf over the weekend!

The Last of Labcoats

True Story

People never grow up. They just learn how to act in public.

Bryan White

My heart goes out to the poor M3 who was most recently involved in the email saga. As Amy rightly pointed out, I think we all learnt a life lesson that night. In this high strung and stressful period, everyone is looking for a outlet, and the poor chap happened to be a convenient punching bag. I guess it is truly in times of crisis that one's true character unveils itself.

That said, I am terribly ashamed of what came out of my mouth, almost intuitively, last Thursday. While I don't think there were any dire consequences, it dawned on me that I had been consumed by the MBBS monster. Utterly disgusted.

Can't wait to get over and done with it, and jump down 12,000ft off a plane.

Sabbath

Last Saturday night was a struggle. After all, Sunday was coming.

Sunday was to be the day where my friends were going to be all trooping down to the National Cancer Centre for revision lectures. Excellent lecturers with great enthusiasm for teaching were going to dedicate their Sunday morning and afternoon to give us a breakdown on difficult topics that were going to come out for the upcoming finals. Nearing the finals, exam tips are bound to leak out, hints thrown into the audience.

But, Sunday is church day. It has always been. Service was to start at 8am as usual. The youth had planned for Chinese New Year visiting and my cell group was planning to go visit Crystal's house to play Kinect.

The decision was clear in my mind. From the start, I resolved never to skip church to study. But then, I thought how illogical it seemed, to pass up on good teaching just to hang out and play kinect? We weren't even going to do anything hardcore like bible study. Even if I were absent from church, everything would still go on as usual. If I don't go for service, I can sleep in till 9am, compared to 7am to wake up in time for service...Or maybe I could go for service first...and then hurry off at 9:30 to reach NCC by 10am? It's just CNY visiting anyway...I tried to rationalize it in my mind, but deep inside knew that I was making excuses for myself.

Sunday came, and I made the decision to pass up on the revision lectures. I confess that it was no more than half hearted as I woke up at 7am to get ready.

As I slouched into the chair, the preacher began to speak on the Sabbath of the Lord. Why sabbath?

1. To remember, how God saved his people from slavery to freedom (Exodus 16)
2. To keep it holy, acknowledging how God sanctified and blessed the seventh day (Gen 20:8-11)
3. To worship, through imitating God in resting on the seventh day
4. To rest, from endless labour and striving, knowing that God is our provider and security comes from Him alone
5. As a sign, of the covenant between God and his people to the surrounding nations (Exodus 31:12-18)

As MBBS draws nearer, I'm thinking that seeing that 1 more patient with good signs or going for that 1 good lecture is not going to do very much to save my ass if I am already doomed. I am convinced however, that every decision I made to choose other things over my own spiritual walk will be of great detriment to my well being. It will only get tougher, and I can only ask for lots of prayer, encouragement and discipline.

Anyway, Kinect was pretty funny :D

Stirring up dust

Just spent the last hour tuning my violin instead of being at Prof L's revision lecture. URTI has gotten the better of me, so decided to stay home to do something therapeutic and recuperate for the upcoming festive season. My fingers hurt like crazy now I don't know how I'm going to play for church tomorrow.

Anyway I went for my pre-employment health check up at the designated clinic in Paragon. Besides the prime location there was nothing very prime about it. Looked like any old cramped neighbourhood clinic. The attending doctor dressed like a gypsy. The cursory abdominal examination was very ticklish. Makes me really amazed at how our patients stand all that pressing!

48 days

I'm thinking how this might possibly be the best time of our lives. We have enough knowledge to appreciate what goes on in the acute management of a patient, probably enough skills to get by as a junior doctor, and have some insight into the planning and execution of medical treatment. Yet, we have absolutely no responsibility, have the liberty to wake up at 9am and decide to miss the first class, leave the hospital at 2pm and have an extended lunch break at Coffee Bean. Sitting in the cozy new Medical Library sipping kopi-O and eating snacks while reading leisurely sure beats running around writing discharge summaries and clerking new admissions. If not for the dark cloud that is the MBBS looming over our heads, this might actually be a phase of life I would love to stay in for a prolonged period of time.

Nonetheless, the future beckons.

Happy New Year Pull Your Ear

Apologies for the lack of activity on this space. My word-finding ability fails me as to how I wish to express my thoughts in a place like this. As the year draws to a close, and with the new one a fresh beginning, I realized that I have blogged an embarrassing total of 75 times this year! Going through them does bring back certain memories though.

The year started sluggishly and I wrote a seemingly bitter new year entry, in the company of lots of pathology specimens. We were studying through the festive season, again. Well, it was certainly not without company, and I am thankful for library dwellers over every mugging season. Then came the highlight of our years in medical school. My electives were a blast, and I don't think I would have done it any differently (Ok, maybe just slightly). I met the most awesome doctor who taught me real medicine and showed me what it meant to add life to days. The month of May was spend in a faraway place, which was essentially an extended holiday under the guise of an elective placement at the St. Thomas Hospital, London. This was closely followed by exciting times travelling in Europe during which I got to spend time with friends whom I have grown to treasure.

Starting the final year was not easy. I wrote a code of ethics, of which I confess not to have fulfilled faithfully, especially when the 1st two weeks of Paediatrics threw me challenges that I did not have the moral courage to handle. We quickly hurried on to the internships, during which I had my own fair share of magic moments, learnt to eat breakfast, and also when my inadequacies were made most apparent to me. Still, there was lots of joy and grace to be thankful for. In the process of final year, I was angry at things that I didn't know how to articulate, yet continue to forgiven by people who love me. In September, my CMPS patient passed on, and I attended his funeral. I last saw him on the Thursday before he passed away.

99 days, and now 64 days. While MBBS continues to be the thing that hovers ominously over this new year, there are so many more things that lay the setting for this one big hurdle that I need to cross. Mum who cooks yummy nutritious food, Bros who crack me up with stupid jokes and friends who share this arduous journey.

Anyway just for the record, my brother almost died on the last day of 2011! 3 stitches to the head, an ATT injection and 100mls of blood loss. Still, God is faithful, and 2012 will be testament to that.

Port Wine Stain

Whilst studying Paediatrics, I was reminded of the good days in Porto. Nevermind the bilateral ptosis and bugs bunny teeth, next holiday please!

Short Case

So today I got owned for short case again. And I can totally imagine this happening during the actual MBBS. Generations after generations have said, practice practice practice, that is the only way you will pass your MBBS. It is times like this that I wonder what use it is of seeing a gazillion patients a day, practising the drills, getting grilled by mock examiners, only to get completely owned on the day of your exams because there was not enough time, or the patient was not cooperative, or the examiner hated the way you said coarse creps instead of just creps. How about the hundreds of patients with murmurs that you've brilliantly rehearsed through, only to culminate in a grade 2 mid diastolic murmur in the exam hall?

The examination is a show. First the dance. Then the song. Then the antagonist appears. What happens next? Does good always triumph over evil? I certainly hope so, but we all know that Dumbledore inevitably dies. There is no other way.

99 Days

I haven't started panicking yet, and I think maybe I should. Treasuring the last bits of random happiness as a student for now. (: